In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
