You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
