Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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