I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
