someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
