My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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