Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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