I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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