remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
