Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
