I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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