I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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