FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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