do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
