and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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