i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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