all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
