she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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