I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
