My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
