I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
