my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
