I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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