Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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