You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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