dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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