I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
