Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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