Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
