just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
