How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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