I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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