i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
