Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
