i was rollin on her like bob the builder
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
