the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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