My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
