oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
