if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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