You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
