She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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