somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
