Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
