Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
