How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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