Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
