Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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