Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
