so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
