I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
