I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
